INTELLECTUALIZING THE GOLDEN GIRLS
Episodes of the Enough Wicker Golden Girls Podcast
Set the Scene:
Have We Been Drinking?
This is the hangout for podcasting's literary intelligentsia.
You can find individual episodes of the Enough Wicker podcast below -- to listen to, read, or print out to keep your bed level if your mattress frame lost a caster. It's all for you.
Episodes of the Enough Wicker podcast
Jump to: Season One | Season Two | Season Three | Season Four | Season Five
GET OUT THE BOOTS, HE'S BACK!
B.D. Hollingsworth is in town with his antebellum lexicon and a gee-tar, as he sold the entire estate in order to pursue a country music singing career. Meanwhile, Dorothy and Sophia deal with "Mouth" and his complete disregard of neighborly responsibility through both civic involvement and the old stand-by, a Sicilian curse.
Turn on Channel 5, Lily burned the house down! The rest of the girls prep for the first of many garage sales. The two stories allow the audience to bear witness to two equally difficult struggles: adjusting to life as a blind person and parting with a hockey stick once used by Bobby Hull.
RIP PFRIEDA CLAXTON
There's nothing like civic participation! The girls have a formidable opponent in Freida Claxton, a crotchety peeping tom of a neighbor who insists the county get rid of an oak tree, and when Freida pushes Rose too pfar, she is forced to take matters into her own hands.
WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DON'T GOT A VIEW
Ok now everybody SHUT THE HELL UP. We're talking about Vacation, arguably the goofiest episode of the first season. Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose go on a vacation that starts with a skeezy motel and ends with the three of them shipwrecked on a deserted island thanks to the subpar sailing skills of their new friends.
I'd like to write a description here but I hate your mother. Kidding!
Dorothy recruits Blanche and Rose (reluctantly) to help her surprise Sophia with what she thinks is a great birthday gift--a surprise visit from her sister Angela. The two women haven't seen each other in decades, and it turns out, there's a reason for the distance. Nancy Walker guest stars in this hilarious episode.
AN ABANDONED BABY AND AN OCTOGENARIAN OLYMPIC HOPEFUL
Sophia enters a walkathon and the other girls decide to babysit the children of the race participants, with two notable guests: a little punk named Norman (whose father is played by Family Feud's Ray Combs!) and baby Emily. Emily serves as a way for the audience to really get to hear about Blanche's regrets around motherhood and wow is it a heartbreaker. Despite the heavy throughline of Blanche's regret and a lowkey neglectful child services agency, this one is full of laugh out loud lines.
AUNT ANGELA IS BACK AND SHE FRIED COUNT BESSIE!
Angela has decided to move from Sicily to Miami (with only a single piece of luggage) and overstays her welcome with the girls as her apartment search becomes more and more complicated; none of these places have enough room for a goat! Sophia grows impatient and everything boils over when it looks like Angela has slaughtered and deep-fried the show biz chicken Rose is caring for.
JAKE IS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
The girls are putting together a charity banquet for a local hospital and Blanche falls for the hunky, yet unrefined caterer. Why we need to hold fundraisers for medical expenses in America is a topic for another time. The class divide between Blanche and Jake, who pushes his food with his fingers and wears white after labor day, seems to be the major problem here, but actually, when we dig a little deeper, it's really just a matter of the SPARK. Plus, this one features a jazz band made up entirely of drag queens.
RITA MORENO'S NEST MIGHT BE EMPTY -- BUT OURS ISN'T!
We've made it to the dreaded Season 2 finale--Empty Nests! We're joined by a very special guest Mr. Matt Browning, a writer and the site runner of EmptyNestTV.com. Matt shares with us some behind-the-scenes info that might explain why this backdoor pilot was such a flop, and makes a compelling case to give the real Empty Nest series a chance. Plus, we talk about Matt's forthcoming book The Definitive Golden Girls Cultural Reference Guide, a guide to every single pop culture reference in the Golden Girls (there's a lot of them).
BURT, BUTTER, & PAYBACK
On their way to see Mr. Burt "monogrammed underwear" Reynolds, the girls are arrested and need Sophia to bail them out. Rose works through a nonsensical adolescent trauma, Blanche's inherent biases around class are revealed, and Dorothy rags on the public school system.
ISN'T DANNY THOMAS ONE?
Dorothy's friend Jean, while on a visit, finds herself IN LOVE with Rose, a woman she met three days prior. But you know what they say about the Lebanese: they bring a U-haul to the second date. This one is full of laughs, tender moments, and puts a queer character --- not the sexuality of a queer character --- at the center of the story.
GAUGINS?! WHAT ARE YOU, A PERVERT?!
Dorothy's job hunt isn't going well, so Blanche insists she comes and works with her at the museum. It sounds great at first, but when their loser boss Mr. Allen asks Dorothy to discreetly work on something, Blanche gets territorial. Rose introduces us to the first iteration of recurring guest star, Dreyfus. Plus, Lauren and Sarah ruin two of your favorite things: surprises and dogs.
ONE EPISODE FOR EVERY YEAR OF MARRIAGE
Blanche dates twins and Stanley undergoes heart surgery. Truly, everyone in the house is doubling up on their vitamins! In this one, we take a scholarly look at the relationships between Dorothy, Stan, and Sophia, and ask ourselves why so many women find themselves bending over backward (like Doug) doing emotional labor for men who don't deserve it.
SWEET JESUS IS THIS A WEIRD EPISODE
If nothing else, this episode offers shoutouts to Lauren's stepdad, a long-time fan of chipped beef, and our rad friend and unofficial Sicily researcher Gina. Bedtime Story is a flashback episode of the Golden Girls; it's pretty out there, but there are a couple of LOL moments. We're laughing WITH the writers, not AT them as we take a look back at this Season 2 clip show.
BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEA-HOLDER
Rose is a burgeoning filmmaker in this one and decides her first documentary will be a day in the life of her roommates. Sophia sees it as a great opportunity for free publicity (for only $5.99 the recipe can be yours) and Dorothy is hesitant at first but eventually comes around. But Blanche provides the focus here: Seeing herself on camera, she vows to pursue a perfect body through drastic plastic surgery. This one has us in its corner right up until the end.
IT TAKES DISCIPLINE TO SHUT THE F*CK UP
Hello Mother Dorothy. Kate and Dennis come back to Richmond Street amid marital discord. Dennis cheated, and Dorothy, still reeling from Stan's habitual infidelity, is heartbroken at first, but that quickly turns to anger, confusion, and disappointment when Kate decides to stay with Dennis. Someone is projecting, hence the title of this episode. Plus, Rose and Blanche stay up all night watching I L̶i̶k̶e̶ Love Lucy, a show that Rose has never seen due to her inexplicably active sex life.
FEELING MAGENTA? EAT A BLP!
Stanley, king of the yutzes, shows up and needs a friend and Dorothy calls in a favor from Blanche. The two hit it off platonically, but their new-found closeness still leaves Dorothy feeling a little magenta. Meanwhile, Rose and Sophia team up to muscle in on Johnny No Thumbs.
The WIDDAH SPENCER IS CUTER THAN AN INTRAUTERINE
Get out your bolo tie because Big Daddy Hollingsworth is back in Miami! This time to introduce Blanche to his would-be bride, the Widow (pronounced Widdah) Spencer. Dorothy and Rose enter a songwriting contest and butt heads over whether or not an extra "Miami is Nice" hurts the music.
HOW *DO* YOU SPELL 'SASKATCHEWAN'?
There is nothing worse than watching your friend suffer because their romantic life is in the garbage. Well, actually catfishing that friend by assuming the identity of one Mr. Issac Q. Newton, a citrus farmer from central Canada might be. Meanwhile, Sophia tries to fight off the advances of an English golddigger.
MR. PATRICK VAUGHN STARRING IN... NOT OUR TOWN?
Merry Christmas waterliles! Our gift to you is this LOL-filled episode featuring Mr. Patrick Vaughn, the hunkiest hunk that ever hunked! The Actor is in town to join the cast of what we always thought was a local production of Our Town, but is actually a parody of the Paul Newman show, Picnic. The girls each vie for his affection, though Blanche inflates her efforts (da-da-ching). Meanwhile, Sophia gets a job at a pirate-themed restaurant.
DOROTHY TRIES TO HELP A HOLY MAN IN THAT 'SPECIAL' WAY
Dorothy's romantic escapades are the center of this one. Laying the groundwork for Fleabag, Dorothy develops a crush on a hip teacher but he turns out to be a priest. Blanche insists she go for it anyway, Rose is distracted by the tushie of love, and Sophia, in between writing letters to Hugh Downs about her Bingo game, warns of hellfire. This one is full of laughs and particularly amazing outfits.
DOROTHY PREPARES A.C. SLATER FOR BAYSIDE HIGH
Mario Lopez guest stars in this problematic episode. The A-story features Dorothy tutoring Mario, played by Mario Lopez, a gifted young writer (despite his trouble spelling 'February'). Mario is undocumented and facing deportation, and that's where the 'rah-rah America' of the Reagan-era seeps through, with Dorothy encouraging him to "come back and do it the right way." In the B story, Rose attempts to reconcile with Blanche by serving as her vedenfreugen, or PERSONAL SLAVE, so yeah, there are some issues in this one.
GEORGE CLOONEY GETS SHOT -- GOOD THING HE'S GOT HEALTH INSURANCE!
A young and hunky George Clooney and his gruff but handsome partner Al are a couple of unconventional (and unethical, seemingly untrained) detectives using the Girls' house for a stakeout location, just like real cops on TV. You could cut the tension between Al and Dorothy with a knife from the very beginning, and this episode invites discussions of love/hate romances, knowing yourself enough to know what you want, and how much information you can get by tailing a criminal around the grocery store.
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH VERY SPECIAL GUEST DEBBIE MACEY!
Deborah A. Macey talks to us about her paper, Ancient Archetypes in Modern Media: A Comparative Analysis of Golden Girls, Living Single, and Sex & The City, & regales us with how she went about assigning each of the girls to their designated archetype, a challenge considering how much "slippage" there is between the fab four.
MICHAEL & BRIDGET SHARE MORE THAN A CAB
When Dorothy's son Michael and Rose's daughter Bridget visit at the same time, the two share a night of so-so sex (too much wine) in Blanche's bed. Because this is a sitcom, all four of the women walk in on them, and the awkwardness makes for a really awkward and icky confrontation between Dorothy and Rose.
MERRY CHRISTMAS SARAH, MERRY CHRISTMAS LAUREN
What the hell is this, The Waltons?! Blanche tries to bong a mall Santa, Rose offers counseling to her clients right in the waiting room, a would-be armed robber takes Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose hostage until Sophia saves the day, and our favorite ladies spend Christmas Eve watching a diner. Plus, the men of Blanche's boudoir actually turn about to be the men of the Golden Girls crew.
I ATE LIFE ONCE
Anyone who knows the kind and gentle Rose Nylund knows she would do anything for a friend, even if that included making two wedding cakes. This attitude gets Rose in the hospital with what thankfully turns out to just be an esophageal spasm. After what she interprets as a near-death experience, Rhonda (oops, Rose!) embraces a lifestyle that would seemingly go against the doctor's orders of staying out all night and partying with her new beach friends.
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH SPECIAL GUEST DR. KATE BROWNE!
We're joined by Dr. Kate Browne, a culture writer and essayist who wrote The Golden Girls edition of the TV Milestone Series. In this episode, we go chapter by chapter with an in-depth look at Kate's book. You'll laugh, you'll learn, you might even slam down a few boilermakers during this one.
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH MEANWHILE AT THE PODCAST
The Golden Girls had a ton of celebrity guest stars, pop-cultural references, repeat guest appearances and more. To help us recall all those who are so famous they need not be mentioned in this description, we called in some help. Our friends George and Kristin who host Meanwhile at the Podcast are experts on pop culture, fandom, and comics (you'll be surprised how much Batman 66 comes up!) and they were kind enough to come on our show and go down the very long list of famous faces who made appearances on our beloved Golden Girls.
DELETED BY AUTHORITY OF THE GOVERNOR
What do Cheryl Strayed, Señor Frogs, and DZ Discovery Zone have in common? They’re all mentioned in this episode! This clip show is the penultimate episode of the second season and includes Dorothy’s birthday party at Mr. Ha-Ha’s Hotdog Hacienda, a flashback to the Petrillo home in Brooklyn, an utterly heartbreaking monologue from Betty White as a recent widow back in St. Olaf, and culminates in a conga line and finally, a successful surprise birthday party for Blanche. What a load of fun!
JENNY LEWIS AND THE BLUES
We discuss the adorable relationship between Sophia and Alvin, and reflect on what makes the diagnosis of Alzheimer's---for Alvin and anyone else affected by this awful disease---so devastating. Because the A-story is so heavy, the B-story has to be equal parts ridiculous and hilarious, and that is exactly what we get when little Daisy (aka Jenny Lewis) bearnaps Rose's beloved Fernando and holds him for ransom.
MARGUERITE DESERVED BETTER
Peak Golden Girls scholarship here! In this episode on The Housekeeper, we praise Paula Kelly's performance as Marguerite, call out a couple of the laugh-out-lines, and spend some time critiquing the use of a racist trope here. On the flip side, the writer of this episode, Winifred Hervey, deserves a nod for recognizing that the Girls' stereotyping of Marguerite could be used against them, and boy was it ever.
THEN WHY DOES IT SAY THE EXPLOSION WAS SO GREAT IT SHATTERED WINDOWS IN THE BUILDING NEXT DOOR?!
What is there to say about Gil Kessler that hasn't already been said? This episode hits on a plethora of big issues including sensationalized politics, trans representation, why it's so hard to believe women, toxic masculinity, and of course the challenges of picking out the perfect tie/sock/hanky combo. We talk about what works here, what doesn't, and speculate as to why this one isn't as celebrated in the Golden Girls queer canon as some others.
BROTHER OF THE SCALP
Stan's back and this time he's bringing Dorothy down financially. He reveals he's being audited, and because Uncle Sam is going back so many years, that means Aunt Dorothy is too. Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche take a Spanish class down at the local community college. Blanche promises to sleep with the teacher for the answers while Rose refuses to habla ingles (that means speak English). A lot of laughs, a couple of really, really offensive jokes, and a middle-aged guy doing the bare minimum and being praised mean this is the quintessential 80s sitcom formula!
NORMA RAE PETRILLO & A WHOLE LOT OF GROSS FATPHOBIA
In what is perhaps the worst episode of the entire Golden Girls series as it relates to body-shaming and fat-phobia, we meet Rebecca, Blanche's formerly estranged daughter, and her douchebag boyfriend, Jeremy. Jeremy is verbally abusive to Becky and every other line from all the characters except for Dorothy (the hero we need) seems to be a crack about Rebecca's body. It is not good. The B-story, however, has Sophia essentially unionizing Pecos Pete's Chow Wagon, and that, we can get into.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT, 68! IT'S A-ME, ANGELO.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to tell a fib. Angelo, Sophia's priest brother, is visiting for the first time in 40 years and Sophia can't bear to tell him Dorothy and Stan are divorced. Using the power of pasta and cheese, she convinces the two to masquerade as though they're still married (spoiler: they're not that convincing). Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche are rehearsing for their roles as two nuns in the community theater production of The Sound of Music.
MIDDLE AGED DAUGHTERS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
In the ultimate role reversal, Sophia has a new boyfriend that Dorothy can't stand. Rocco, played by Hollywood legend Mickey Rooney, adores Sophia, but his disrespectful attitude, cigar habit, and shady past all give Dorothy pause. She tries to impose rules like leaving the bedroom door open, but it's hard to parent an 80-year-old. Meanwhile, Blanche and Dorothy break into Rose's 4-H Pig Diary (YOU KNOW A BETTER WAY TO GET A 4-H PIG DIARY BADGE?) massively invading her privacy.
WASN'T VIRGINIA THE SLUT?
In this vignette/flashback Mother's Day episode, we see Dorothy play her own grandmother, Rose lie to the police for a friend, Stan's mom acknowledge his yutzdom, and learn Blanche's true age! It's touching, funny, and we have a lot to say about it--the perfect way to close out the season.
♫GONNA STUFF A CHICKEN♫
Ah, yes a clip show. This is just pure, old-fashioned fun. Plot holes abound as we see the short-lived Miami Mom's Catering, which may have gone under due to their first gig being canceled or a total disregard for food safety. There's a Brooklyn flashback featuring the incomparable Lynnie Greene nailing those DZ mannerisms as always, and perhaps most famously, a dance marathon that has given us some of the greatest Golden Girls gifs of all time.
VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH JARED CLAYTON BROWN
In this Very Special Episode, we talk to popular culture scholar Jared Clayton Brown about his paper Sex and the City, Platinum Edition: How The Golden Girls Altered American Situation Comedy. We talk about the popularity and the cultural impact of the show, and how the Golden Girls used the Norman Lear style of gently and indirectly presenting audiences with heavy subject-matter.
Stan's brother is in town and spoiler: he really sucks! He goes out with Blanche but he's not into it, and the next thing we know he and Dorothy are aggressively hugging on the front step in the morning. Turns out he's impotent and wanted a babysitter. Meanwhile, Rose is downing caffeinated tea, which she thinks is making her bones strong but is actually keeping her up all hours of the night and Sophia wonders where Ted was her to waltz her down the aisle after Dorothy and Stan got divorced.
THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT HOW THERAPY WORKS
The Girls have been living together for five years and they have HAD it. From Blanche's Designing Women accent to Rose's seemingly incessant need to sprinkle everyday conversation with Norwegian words, to Dorothy's holier-than-thou attitude, they need a headshrinker STAT! This one is a little weak in the writing of the main story, but there are a couple of real gems in the vignettes ($8/an hour).
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH DR. WENDY BURNS-ARDOLINO
Dr. Wendy Burns-Ardolino joins us for a very special episode in which we discuss her book, TV Female Foursomes and Their Fans, and how she built on scholar Deborah Macey's archetypal research -- a previous Enough Wicker Very Special Episode! We talk about the devotion surrounding The Golden Girls and other shows like Designing Women, Girlfriends, Living Single, and more that relied on an all-women ensemble cast to move society forward, move us emotionally, and especially make us laugh. This is one for you fan-scholars!
IS THAT SEAFOOD MEDLEY?
69 & 70
Golden Moments Parts 1 and 2 aired on the same night, so audiences were treated to a full hour of clips they'd already seen before. Through flashbacks, this 2-parter revisits classic scenes, such as Sophia's arrival, Blanche's discovery that Danny Thomas was not a lesbian, and Rose nearly blowing poor Lester's head off. In the meantime, Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose work on convincing Sophia to stay in Miami as she considers a move to help Phil with his indistinct number of children.
s3/e18 & 19
NEATER THAN HARD SALAMI
Al, Rose's new boyfriend, just retired from a successful career as a deli owner. While he could be content just sleeping late and watching reruns of Moonlighting, Rose compels him to do something better with his time. So, rationally, he decides to purchase a yacht and sail around the world without ever bothering to test his sea legs--bad idea! Meanwhile, Sophia brings in a pervert from the senior center to remodel the Girls' garage into a guest room.
DR. ELIZABETH YUKO & THE INTERSECTION OF BIOETHICS, THE GOLDEN GIRLS, AND COVID-19
We are joined by Dr. Elizabeth Yuko, an award-winning journalist and an adjunct professor of ethics. Yuko's 2016 Ted Talk called “Everything I Know About Bioethics I Learned from The Golden Girls" has never been more relevant. Yuko shares examples of how the Golden Girls tackled topics like generalized health, ethics of physicians, sexual health, and shares how she recently referenced Dorothy's world-famous takedown of Dr. Budd in her own real-life struggles to convince medical professionals to take her seriously.
(56?!) FEARS, BOLTS, AND A BUZZED DOROTHY
From public speaking at Aunt Gretchen's funeral, to a totally unheard of fear of flying, to a completely ridiculous phobia of being surrounded by bald men in an enclosed space, Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche each face their biggest fears in this episode. It's also the first of four appearances by Meg Wyllie, who delivers the best line of the entire episode with "yes, that's it--the beverage cart." Real ones know.
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH DR. TJ WEST
What better way to close out Pride Month than with the author of some of the most dynamic, queer-focused Golden Girls content out there! Dr. Thomas J. West III, TJ to his pals and confidantes, has written extensively about The Golden Girls, television, politics, and more. He is the co-host of the Queens of the B's podcast and was kind enough to talk to us about queerness of Phil Petrillo, the controversy surrounding Mixed Blessings, and the underrated genius of Susan Harris.
THE UNCLE FINGERBINGER STORY
Buddy Rourke, an alleged friend of Charlie's is in town and he (like Jean) has the hots for Rose. The two strike up what seems like a relatively mild romance, but then all of a sudden Rose is packing up and moving to Boston with him! Obviously, that doesn't happen, but the Girls decide to let Rose have the sweet little memory, even if it's a lie. Meanwhile, Blanche and Dorothy agonize over what to wear to the museum banquet--we've all been there!
DOROTHY ZBORNAK IS [STILL] THE HERO WE NEED
Dorothy is in a rut. Between Blanche's celebrity rags and Rose's...well, Rose in general, the Brightest Kid in Brooklyn™ is feeling a little unstimulated, intellectually. Dorothy decides to get out and do something for herself, and attends a lecture by celebrated author and metaphor-user Barbara Thorndyke. Even though it's clear to Rose and Madge that Barbara totally sucks, it takes Dorothy some time to see it, but boy is it worth the wait. Dorothy confronts Barbara when she reveals that she's a member of a club with antisemitic policies in a way that is still so relevant today; standing up to intolerance is always the right thing to do, even if there's a great breakfast and the parking is free.
VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WITH CLAIRE FROM GOLDEN GIRLS FASHION CORNER
Golden Girls Fashion Corner is the place on the web for the clothes of our beloved Golden Girls. The woman behind the blog, Claire Sewell, joins us to talk about what inspired her to start the site, the thought behind the wardrobe choices, and how sometimes fashion has a scholarly element to it, but sometimes it's just plain fun. Check out GoldenGirlsFashion.com for more insight and enjoy!
We give all of our thoughts on the controversial Mixed Blessings episode, as well as a lament at how bad this show handles issues of race in general. For a further scholarly take, check out Dr. Stephen Trasher's The Real Mud on the Golden Girls piece for Variety.
TWO GROWN WOMEN RECORD A PODCAST ABOUT A PIG AND HE'S THE ONE WITH A MENTAL PROBLEM?
WELCOME BAABYY! This is an off-the-wall episode wherein Rose inherits responsibility for her dear old uncle's pet pig (although, not that dear, since she's unclear on his offspring). The rest of the girls are initially definitive "no"s but when Baby's escort/attorney reveals that care of the pig comes with a $100K bonus, they change their tune, at least temporarily.
COMRADE ROSE ATTEMPTS TO BROKER AN INTERNATIONAL PEACE DEAL -- NBD!
Rose is leading another pseudo-Girl Scout troop and she's concerned about nuclear war. In one of the most bizarre episodes, Rose writes to both the American and Soviet governments calling for peace. There's a Coca-Cola shower, a bangin' jingle about Medicare and a dream sequence that features all four Girls speaking at Red Square. Off the wall, but that's why The Golden Girls is the second best thing about America (after Slurpee, of course).
COME ON SWEN!
Friends, welcome to the VERY FIRST in-person recording of Enough Wicker. Yes, Lauren and Sarah sit together in the same space to talk about the perils of Little Sven (not to be confused with Big Sven or Big Sven 2). Blanche tries to get back at Floyd by cozying up to Rose's nordic cousin, who mistakes it for love--that is until he sees the dime piece he's been promised to. Meanwhile, Sophia begs Dorothy to let her drive again & the two try to navigate road safety for an 80+-year-old.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE A HIT
Hold onto your chisels, Laszlo's in town! The Hungarian Hunk initially plans to use Blanche as a nude model for his sculpture, but eventually, he asks Rose and Dorothy as well. This creates a rift in the household because all three women are interested in helping Laszlo buff his marble, if you catch our drift, but his heart (and marble) belong to someone else. Meanwhile, Sophia gets into practical jokes but for some reason, doesn't exploit her ex-son-in-law's connection to novelties at all!
THIS EPISODE WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM, HOLLER, AND JUMP FOR JOY
In an absolute classic, the Girls head to Hollywood to appear on polyester and teeth-clad Guy Corbin's epic game show, Grab that Dough. This one features the return of the Horse Statue™, original hustler Nancy, soup, soup, and more soup AND happens to be the all-time favorite of another artist with an incredible body, the genius behind Oh Shut Up Rose and Golden Girls Posters!
HANDLE IT?! I CAN'T EVEN GET CLOSE TO IT!
Sophia is feeling bummed as all of her friends her own age have either moved out of town, died, or assumed new identities as Pinky Lee. Dorothy, thinking only of her mother's happiness, starts bringing her along on dates with her boyfriend Raymond. Eventually, Raymond (understandably) grows tired of this, and Dorothy decides it's more important to preserve Sophia's happiness than have an awkward conversation. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose run against each other for the prestigious position of Fashion Show Chairman of the Tinkerbelles.
MISTER WORSE THAN THE EMPTY NEST EPISODE
In what is the opposite of a fan-favorite, Rose dates Mr. Terrific, Dorothy attempts to fix his show and is sexually harassed by a puppet, and Blanche gets a different bed than the one she ordered. We're here to dunk on the sub-par (for this show) writing, the strange deliveries of lines, and pretty much everything else.
FIDEL SANTO DOMINGO & A WOMAN WITHOUT A SHEEPSKIN
Fidel Santiago, a snappy dressing cigar heir and all-around charmer dates both Blanche and Sophia. His long teeth raise questions, particularly around his relationship with Blanche, but his life and death serve to prove that age is just a number. Meanwhile, we learn that Rose started a mono outbreak in St. Olaf that may have actually contributed to the Allied victory in WWII as she enrolls in Ms. Zbornak's history class.
THE POWER OF STAN COMPELS SOPHIA
Dorothy is battling Stan for Sophia's soul and Blanche & Rose are up all night howlin. In the nosebleed seats of a baseball game, Sophia gets whacked on the head with a ball. Stan comes up with a way for the two of them to join forces and scam some money out of the insurance company, though we think it's a few days too late to be believable. Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche are cast in Cats in the community theater and wholly immerse themselves in the character.
STAN YELLS AT SOME HOSPITAL STAFF
We open this episode by paying tribute to our dearly departed Betty White, who entertained millions with her command of comedy and inspired just as many with her commitment to kindness. Thank you for being a friend, Betty. Plus, we have some thoughts about grief and ex-husbands.
KID PEPE LATER WENT ON TO HAVE A VERY SUCCESSFUL CAREER IN CONSUMER REPORTING
Rose makes the mistake of trusting Sophia with a large sum of money the Girls intend to use for a joint CD account, and rather than buying a handful of magic beans or completing the task, Sophia brings home a prizefighter. Apparently, some kind of transaction goes down at a bus stop, and bim bam boom, the Girls are now responsible for training and housing this young fighter who, as is later revealed, is also a multi-talented artist.
WE ARE THE WORLD
In this one, Sophia busts her friend Lilian out of Sunny Pastures, a rundown nursing home struggling in the age of Reagan-era cuts. Meanwhile, Blanche gets a bonus and initially plans to put the money in her bosom account, but in the end, decides her found money would be better spent in another way.
IF YOU DON'T LISTEN YOU'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
The three younger girls sit around the kitchen table lamenting that Sophia is letting the last of her life slip away. Rose's puritanical work ethic, Blanche's overactive sex drive and Dorothy's grounding nature all abound as the rain comes down outside. Meanwhile, Sophia--ironically the only one to leave the house, has a full adventure of a day complete with grocery store advocacy, hospital volunteerism and conducting an old lady jazz band.
MAX WEINSTOCK WASTES NO TIME GETTING IN (TO TOWN!)
Sophia's getting married, Rose and Blanche are establishing a Miami-based chapter of the Hunka Hunka Burnin Love Fanclub, Dorothy is smoking, and somehow the caterer is still the star! This one has a ton of funny moments and reveals something deep about the addictive Petrillo genes. We also think when you're in your 80s, if you wanna get married or just find a long-distance hook-up buddy from your past, that's A-OK with us, so long as you always carry an array of Lifesavers.
s4/e6 & 7
WE WILL WASTE 22 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME
Is that an original DeKimmel!? In this one, the roof is leaking and rather than shell out the dough like any normal landlord, Blanche is focused on preserving a towel that never contained baby Skippy. While trying to come up with the cash for a new roof, the girls hear that Jasper DeKimmel, a cranky-but-talented artist is nearing the end of his life, so naturally, they divert their funds and buy one of his pieces at an auction.
FUN IN THE BUFF THIS ST. VALENTINE'S DAY
In your classic Golden Girls clip show, we've got Sal being a total bagagalupe and Sophia's dad letting him know it, Blanche meeting another gay man in Clayton's favorite bar, the girls going to a nudist resort, and Blanche bringing sexual liberation and responsibility to a Greater Miami pharmacy. What a load of fun! Happy Valentine's Day to each and every one of our listeners and remember, you're special.
WELCOME TO THE DOROTHY KILLED TRUDY PARTY
And she's a teacher too!
Dorothy's high school best friend Trudy McMahon comes to Miami for their high school reunion and brings along her handsome husband Jack, a pair of new A+ breasts, and a drive for competition. Dorothy literally kills Trudy on the tennis court, or so we think, and then wants to spend the entire evening of her reunion screwing around in the bedroom when there are important things to do outside. This is a laugh-out-loud episode with a plot that makes no sense, and that is something we have to accept.
Oh boy, a whole episode about body negativity and dieting, wahoo! We kid, we kid. But in this one, the Girls are all dealing with their weight and appearance; Sophia is hellbent on gaining a pound to get back to her ideal weight while the rest of the crew tries working out and new hairstyling in order to look their best for an annual summer party. A classic clip show where, even in their desperation, the Girls can't be convinced to join Stanley's self-help pyramid scheme club.
TURNS OUT VIRGINIA WAS THE SLUT
Rose and Dorothy assume the roles of Mulder and Scully after seeing what appears to be a UFO. Meanwhile, Blanche attempts a conquest for the one man who has ever rejected her advances. The UFO story is A++, especially considering Dorothy's natural skepticism and Rose's naive assumption that the extraterrestrials are here to help us earthlings.
THREE PALM TREES & A REAL DOWNER OF AN EPISODE
We revisit Brother, Can You Spare that Jacket, in which each of the girls has their own personal reckoning with the state of things in America. After a brief bit of riding high on a winning lotto ticket, Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia, and Rose trounce all over Miami to find the ticket after it is mistakenly given away. There's a celebrity auction, a do-nothing councilman, and a mixup of Michael J. Fox and Michael Jackson, but all in all this is a pretty heavy episode that handles important subject matter in a really powerful way.
MUSIC LOVERS FOR THE WIN
In this episode, Blanche meets a charming, handsome man who knows the ins and outs of high society food pairings. It should be perfect, but John is blind, and so Blanche, who derives most of her self-worth from her looks, is left wondering what he could possibly like about her. Meanwhile, Rose and Dorothy (and eventually Sophia) coach a peewee football team where all the boys are named Victor.
1000 POINTS OF LIGHT
Chalk it all up to synergism. In this one, Dorothy and Sophia are shaken up by the rate at which Sophia's friends are dying. Dorothy's response is to book a suite at Disney World and look at old photos, rather than ride the rides (or, thankfully, to have Sophia seized by Shady Pines staff on the tarmac). Sophia, meanwhile, wants to leave Memory Lane for Space Mountain. At home, Blanche, who apparently has a talent for drawing, and Rose work on a children's book about Toonder the Mediocre Tiger and his friends.
PERFECT PIZZA WITH PIZZAZZ & A PILL PROBLEM